mattz life - life unabridged and uncensored 

Friends, Family & Readers

To my friends, family and readers,

I have moved on to a better place now. No not dead! Man you all have this obsession with that idea huh? Anyways, I will not be updating this blog anymore, it's for the better for me and you.

Why? Cuz I said so.

I will prolly end up saving all my blog entries from all my blogs on CD in case they go down.

Anyways, here's where I will be found Click here

For those that don't...sorry to of lost you.

Later days,

Solitary Dream, Fox Tyke

A dream, a single dream is all it took for me to see, a single dream gave me all the more hope to do what I need to. The dream made me look up and realize more than I have realized anything ever. I won't get into what happened in the dream but it made me wake up with a smile and tears. It made me feel like god was helping me more than I thought.

I have more hope in my system than I have ever had in my entire life for anything, it feels good. I have been going through heck about things even with a positive attitude but I haven't listened to what my soul was telling me. I didn't listen that is till now. Now I can look forward to each day, look forward to seeing everyone and not hide things. I haven't hid many things but major pain I've tried.

I will look up and hold my head high, no longer looking down on what has been and what has passed. I can't do that, he wouldn't want it that way and to be honest I never wanted it that way either. I love him, still more today than yesterday and less today than tomorrow as always. Not going to change, no matter what the case.

Also, guess what? I've got another Fox to talk with! His name is Brad and he's the coolest kid I've ever met. Smart as a seven year old and only two years old! Good kid, more logical than most people I know and that's a lot to say.

Brad's new nickname is Lil Fox Tyke, just cuz he's cool enough to make it as a Fox! Mwahahahaha! No one else is a fox to me!

Well I'm going to sit here for five minutes and try to think of a title for this, I ain't good at titles.

Later days,

Edit: Friends, Online Inhibitions

Well something I have to address has come up, actually two things.

The first of which is regarding my online communications lately, I'm not normal right now nor have I ever been really but getting to the point, I have things on my mind which inhibit my normal level of communication. I have been thinking a lot and still am about my ways of dealing with things to the point to where sometimes I zone off. If I do that, don't ask questions and don't get mad, it's for the best.

Second thing, Max. I'm worried about him, he's acting very weird lately and is a bit more depressed than I previously gauged him. I know he's going through things in his mind as fast as I am but I don't think he's getting the answers at the rate I am. I just wish he'd understand that bottling things inside and distancing yourself like I did won't do anything but provide a temporary feeling of being alright.

It's not good, for him or for anyone who cares to see him this way. He thinks no one cares, there are people who care and they are hurt that he is hurting himself. If it was my decision, personally, I would get him professional help. I don't like that idea really but sometimes I think when people have tried everything they can to help and got no where, it's the last resort.

To be honest I think I should try and get help too, professional help that is. I don't know yet though, I will have to see how this week goes and if I lose focus on things. If I do then of course I will get help, if not then I won't seek it. Afterall, I have a crack team of pro's around me, some more screwed up than I am albeit.

Drowning Slowly, One Chance

Dang it all to heck! I swear I don't get it anymore. I try to move on yet I can't it's like my own heart and soul will not allow me to. It's not like I will ever forget the man, it's not like I will ever stop loving him but right now I think it'd be best if maybe I tried to move on.

There's just one problem though, I can't. Every time I try to move forward and onwards I get some small reminder that opens the floodgates of my heart and memories. It all rushes in and I drown in the sorrow and pain, it's as though I am never going to be able to move on period. I don't mean to sound like I want to, that's not the case here, and I just think it may be for the best if I tried.

It seems my own love is my own downfall now; I am beginning to wonder if it will be forever that way. I know it hasn't been long, I know it's still considered recent but I mean I feel like the days are months anymore. Anytime I try to put it in the past and look ahead something, never fails either but something always brings me right back to where I am. It's as though I will never be able to move on without him, no matter what.

Hopelessly in love, I used to think that was a very good thing, now I wonder if it's also a curse to some. I mean, I love him...not going to stop or forget that, but it's killing me right now. I feel like my insides are shredding, my heart is shattering and my memories are the proverbial knife to my own heart. I don't know if this makes sense but right now I don't care, it's got to be said.

I try and try and try again but always ending up right back to where I am, suffering from my own love. It's as though without him I can't breathe or something, I swear. Maybe in some ways that is true, maybe I can't breathe as I once did, think as I once did. I can't forget him that's impossible, I can't not love him that's impossible as well but I can try to move on if he wants.

I mean isn't that what he wants? To be honest I don't know anymore, I thought I knew once but we all know how that went. I just want to talk to him, ask him what he wants, hear it from him in person, maybe then I can see what he wants. I love him, 'tis true, if it's not the same for him even in the slightest than why can I not hear it from him?

I think he loves me still, in fact some part of my soul knows it still...I don't know how or why I just kind of do. It's almost like knowing that the sun will rise tomorrow, you just know. I can't just stop, I can never stop and I can never let my love grow weak for him, it's just something that will never happen.

I probably sound stupid or something right now but that's fine...I don't give a crap. This is love we're talking about; in love one can be stupid how else do you explain so many things in love?

I tried talking to god, I prayed for the past eight days non-stop that one day I would get a phone call or a knock on the door from him. For eight days I begged that my mind may put at ease, that my heart may rest but as we all know, god can't make man do anything against their freewill. I find myself crying out to him at odd times, walking out to talk to him at night and even asking for him to just let me know why. I never get an answer but once I did get something, a slight answer to my prayers, it was the night I was online and Tai IM'ed me. I felt so ecstatic and actually went into shock slightly for the night, but then that's when the questions arose.

I won't go into details really because, well, that's a private conversation but it was hard questions, even for me. I had to face my fears, no matter the outcome and ask some things, I haven't yet really heard the answers and don't know when. He had said the day after, but no e-mail, no IM, nothing. That hurt me all the more to be honest, but as I said the pain makes my love even stronger, even in his absence.

All I want is a chance, a chance to talk one on one without fear; do I not deserve at least that? I don't want the world; I just want a chance to talk, even if it is but an hour. A single hour, I am willing to lay it all out and find answers even if they are not the ones I had hoped for, I will still take that chance just to find out.

You know some would ask, "What could you possibly accomplish in an hour?" My response would be simple, "Tell him how I felt in the beginning and tell him how I still feel now. Show how I've changed thanks to him, tell him thanks for helping with those changes. Tell him, I'm sorry for everything I've done and still wish to be with him as his boyfriend, but if he doesn't want that maybe I can still be his friend."

I know I couldn't say much in an hour, I know he may never understand some things but I can give him a pretty good idea. I know I said I would always hold out and hope for him to make the first step, maybe I was wrong in that...maybe it is I who should make that first step. I have held out all my life on things and when it finally paid off I screwed up, now I think I should make the first step in something for once. It's that important to me, so important I would risk everything for that one chance, everything in my life and maybe even my life itself just to have that opportunity.

I always knew in my heart I would risk everything for someone in one way or another, I never in a million years thought it would be for the love of my life and never in a million years thought that the love of my life would be someone I've known for years as my best friend.

Here's hoping for the best,

Cause and Effect, Love and Pain

To start let me say I am typing this on an offline computer and I'm not home yet so when I post this don't be surprised if you see an edit afterwards.

I have been thinking a lot lately, what if I never get an answer; do I just sit here and pine away for him? Of course I will always love and miss him in my life but I can't waste my life waiting for what may not come, so what can I do? I've found myself in a bit of a bind with this proposition, I mean I want to stay faithful to him for he is the only one I feel so strongly for and even now it pains me to think that I may be with someone else.

How can I explain this? Hmm...I'm trying to think of the best way but there really is no best way unless you go through the same exact situation so I guess I will break it into a list...

1. You find someone you've loved a long time loves you the same (six months ago)
2. You are told by someone else that the person and a lot of your friends want a break, you oblige (2 weeks ago)
3. You talk to the person you love and find they're debating over whether or not they love you, in said conversation you tell them that you will always love them and if they want to extend the break feel free, just inform you if they are or not (forget how long ago)
4. You haven't received in answer in a long time, days have dragged on for you, every one that passes makes you feel more pain, gets to the point you don't care what the answer is anymore even though you do, you just want an answer period

The effect it's having on you? Well okay here's a short list of effects...

1. Trouble sleeping
2. Nightmares when you do sleep
3. Lost appetite
4. Always worried and wondering when
5. Not yourself towards people, even though you try to act indifferent
6. Crying, lots of crying
7. Depression, sometimes to the point people who don't even know you ask what's wrong

Get the picture? Well that's basically what I am going through, those effects, that's my daily life now. Considering time is dragging on now for me makes it ten times worse for me, the suffering is endless.

I've tried to overcome this by talking to people, going to friends when I feel the worst and sometimes I bury myself in writing. Sad thing is, not matter what the solution, the pain always returns, always stronger than when I left it.

I love Tai, that is never going to change, more today than yesterday and less today than tomorrow, again never going to change. But, I cannot wait for an answer that may never come; I have to try to move on with my life. Thing is, when I try to, I always find myself worried and wondering, knowing that no matter what, I will always love him.

I'm going to keep what changes he's instigated in my being, keep refining myself and making myself a better person. For those changes though, they will be a constant reminder, of the one man who I thought I would forever be with, no matter what came our way.

I was told once that love is a two-way road, love and pain; you can't have one without the other. Through love you overcome the pain, through pain your love grows, maybe that explains why my love keeps growing even in his absence.

I never thought it would be this way to be honest, I thought love was always some magical thing that protected you from pain, now though I see it gives you the power to deal with it.

Love is no longer something I will ever mess with, not something I will consider lightly, for those people I do love as friends, family and such...don't think I don't understand it now. Even though no one can truly understand love, I think I have a pretty good idea of it and it's potential.

Even with most of my friends gone in my life, I still love each and every one of them, if they called in the future and asked for help, you bet I would be there for them. Contrary to what some have said of me, I don't turn my back on my friends, even when it seems they have done so to me. That's the way I've always done things actually; I just never showed how I helped; but I always did or at the very least tried to.

Some of you know me online, some in the real world, some from instant messengers, some from boards, some only from this blog or one of my others but no matter how you know me, the fact know more about me than most. You know my strengths, weaknesses, my good and my dark sides, my love and my hate; you know me more than most people whom have known me a life time will possibly ever know.

Later days,

Memories, Reflections of Then & Now

Today I didn't do anything until about nine at night but I have reason, today was my day of relaxation and recovery. My day to reflect upon myself and prepare myself for the next week of problems and to of course relax period.

I got online to do something, I think it had to do with Jpop and downloading such but I ended up talking to Ken and Sora a lot. It felt good to hear both of them, okay it felt good to read the text they sent since it was IMing.

You know during the time I relaxed I remembered the times I had with Tai, then I looked at them more closely and I found something. I found a slight conflict in my own actions a lot, it was as though I wanted him as a friend when he wanted his boyfriend and I wanted him as a boyfriend when he wanted his friend. Make sense? Well take into account we were hiding it from people and you should see what I mean. Unfortunately I don't believe I was to blame for everything, but that's not something I will get into on here. That's a personal matter I should take up with Tai, if I ever get that chance that is.

I am sitting here right now looking at my new work shirt and listening to Jpop, namely songs by Globe and T.M. Revolution. I don't know why but listening to these songs makes my mind at ease with the world, my heartache and sorrow seem to all but disappear and I just listen to the beat of the music. What's weird is the fact that almost all the music deals with love in some way. They say that music soothes the soul, I think it's true especially if you listen to the meaning of the words in another language.

Mom asked why couldn't I forget Tai, I said flat out, how can you forget what brought you the most happiness in your entire life? I never did get an answer. You can't rationalize things like that, especially when it comes to the one person who means the world to you. I am beginning to hate when people say Time heals all wounds, that may be true but sometimes it leaves a nasty scar too doesn't it? Over the top a bit, sorry...but time can't heal matters of the heart nor will you ever forget them. It's always going to be there, whether you like it or not, whether you accept it or not, it's there for the rest of your days.

I know that's kind of depressing but to be honest it's a fact of life, no...correction a fact of love lost. For the people that say they didn't love or don't love someone after they are left by them, well it's nice to know you've tricked yourself into thinking that. Comforting until you see that person on the street or think about the past isn't it? The only way you can say that you don't love someone after something happens is if you didn't love them to begin with, unfortunately such people exist.

Some say that I should count my losses and move on while others say that if you truly love something you should love it enough to let it go and have faith it will return. There's one problem with the first one I don't consider this a loss, I haven't lost him rather, I've misplaced him. Lost means it's gone without a chance of ever coming back, I believe there is a chance hence I've misplaced him. Make sense? Well anyways as for the love it enough to let it go and have faith advice, I believe I have done so. I am holding out on hope and faith that one day I will see my man again and be by his side, but I don't intend to try and hold him back. I couldn't do such a thing as I'm sure he wouldn't do such a thing if he was in my position.

Later days,

Edit: Sad Memories, Stronger People

I just got done talking to Angie, Takato's girlfriend and our conversation was a far reaching one. We discussed jobs at the beginning and finished it off with talks of people who passed on in our lives. We talked about how we wished we hadn't said or done things to those people so every memory could be a happy one.

I explained how with every memory good, there wouldn't be varying degrees of happiness, there wouldn't be the extremely happy ones and there wouldn't be better things. Basically, without bad things in life, we wouldn't have anything to hope for and what's life without hope?

Well as I said in the conversation, I will now step off the podium and return to my seat.

Never Ready, Awaiting Decision

Where have I been the past four days? I've been on a break from my own life, trying to piece together what I can and trying to summon the courage to face the decision that lies ahead.

I only meant to be away for a day, which turned into two, then three and finally four. I couldn't help it, everytime I thought I was ready, I looked at myself in the mirror and said I wasn't. Today I found something out, I will never be ready for the decision to come, weeks or months can pass and I still won't be prepared. Best thing to do, face it head on with open arms. Embrace it whether or not it's what I desire, something I've learned to do lately.

Love is an interesting thing to be honest, I can't stop loving him even though it's causing so much pain and agony right now. It hurts to be where I am and to know I have messed up and brought this upon myself in a sense but I have to face the consequences. Whether or not I desire to do so is out of the question, it's a matter of responsibility and love.

Through the changes I've made I've been able to accomplish so much yet it was through the process I messed up so much. No matter though, if it is meant to be, we can work through this and if we work through this, we can work through anything. Meant to be...sounds like destiny which in some ways I do believe in. I believe it can be changed a lot of times but somethings are unavoidable and are provoked by the simplist of actions.

In the course of four days I found I have religion in me that has always been there. I don't believe in any specific form of religion rather it's more like basic Dogma. Dogmatic law states that "It's not what you believe that matters, it's that you believe" and I've kind of taken to this. Through my life I couldn't find any religious faction I could believe in fully, but now I see I have been wrong in calling myself an athiest.

I always considered myself athiest even though all through my life I would openly talk to god and always felt something higher existed over humanity. I've come to terms with it and now consider myself a Dogmatic Christian, which I don't know if it exists or not but it does now. Basically I follow what I've always felt was right, the ten commandments and continue progressing forward with my relationship with the almighty one.

Lots of changes, yes, lots of conflicts during said changes, yes, is it worth it, yes. Finally, do I love Shane still? More today than yesterday and less today than tomorrow, unchanged from day one.

Later days,

Edit: About Updated
I got around to making a little list in the about dialog of the blog, maybe it can give you some insight into me...

Forever, Never Dying

I love him more than words can say, words hit only the ridge of the true feelings I hold for him. I understand why he wanted the break, I knew in a way for some time now. He deserves the chance to evaluate what he feels and I am obliged to give him that opportunity.

I asked point blank what I knew he was evaluating, I did it for two reasons. I did it to prove to myself that I'd changed and would ask questions that I knew could hurt me if I didn't like the answer and of course to let him know that I knew he was having doubts. He told me his answer, I told him what I felt from the heart.

I still and will forever love him just the same as always, ever growing with every passing day. I will forever want to be with him, to be able to tell him I love him and to hold him tight that is true. Love does not die in my eyes, it lives forever even after death.

I told him I would not beg for what may not be there at all but in my heart I will be pleading. If he decides that we should not be, then he still has me as a friend nonetheless. I will forever love him and forever want to be by his side as the man he loves, this I hold as true.

One of the few times in my life, my heart is on the line, this makes the second time for him.

Forever Loving,

Response: VampireHunterK

Thanks, I didn't think it was a poem really till I started looking at it and it just has the feel and sound of one. Glad to know people read this :)

Words Can't Begin To Convey....

Wow, scared the heck out of me...just...yeah

Okay to be honest I'm still in a bit of shock from what just took place. What took place? I got IMed. Unlike any other IM this one was very refreshing and made my heart leap clear into my throat. I will admit now it was awkward, I rambled a bit but when you're not exactly expecting such a thing what can you do?

You know I can't quit smiling now, I know why too, it's just wow. I mean, incredible, that's the best I can say for how I am feeling right now. I am just beyond words and description happy right now, the type that will take weeks if not months to wear off.

You know it happened at the weirdest time too, I was just about done typing a whole post in here. He IMed and it just was like my prayers were answered.

Oh man I don't know how he felt but that's how I felt, I couldn't even begin to describe how much I missed him or how much I've come to love him even in his absence. I don't even recall telling him I loved him in that conversation, but I mean I was and still am in shock.

Later days,
One very happy Matt

The Past, The Now

Ever done something in the past that a lot of people know about and still talk about but yet you never get attributed to it and that's for the best? Well that's kind of my life, especially since I saw a few of my ummm...actions being discussed by professionals. It's nice to know they're still talking of the impact I had, nice to know they don't attribute it to me too. I don't need that kind of credit in my life.

Okay anyways, off that trip before I get myself into something I can't get out of. Man do I miss Tai and Ken, I never would of thought I'd be able to miss anyone as much as I miss Tai right now. I mean yeah I miss Ken but hey this is different levels we're talking about. I can't stop thinking about him during the day or during the night anymore.

I've tried everything but I can't stop thinking of him, must mean I love him more than even I ever grasped. I mean he is a major facet in my life and has been one for a long time, even before I found out he felt the same. You know I said once that a part of me died that one day, this was true a part of me did die. The part that was keeping me from feeling things and trusting people. The part that I couldn't get rid of even when I tried my best, it took an action by my friends to kill it.

For that I'm still thankful...still owe them one...for helping that is.

Later days,

Take me back, Smiling Faces

I guess my youth is almost up, but hey everytime I act young I feel young. Maybe that's what can explain my immaturity?

Anyways today I got to talk with my old friend Matt again, he seemed worried today. He has been having some problems lately that I've tried and am trying to help him with, yet I know I can't do much. I mean the most I can do is tell him I'm there for him and will support him no matter what he does and give him the occasional friendly hug.

Today I thought about my life and what I've done so far and you know what I concluded? I ain't done yet, if god were to take me now, I'd straight up say "Put me back, I ain't finished." Then again if he were to take me now I don't think I'd have much say in the matter would I? I would try though, I would try my best to show that I've not done what I aimed to do. You know, convince him that my time has not yet passed.

Oh boy, this non smoking and non cussing thing is hard, let me tell you. I've went two days without smoking and cussing and it's darned near drove me mad. But in all seriousness, it's for the better good of my being. Geez. I think I've read a lot of self help books that've been influencing me.

I think I should explain my opening statement now, since I kind of totally avoided it in the above paragraphs. I got a chance to play with the neighbor kids earlier, actually about 15 minutes ago I came in.

We played games like tag and base, which by the way if anyone knows what that is you probably live by me. We ended up tickling and tackling each other so much they skinned their knees on the sidewalk. I was considerate in tag, I didn't run much when I was it, I let them do all the running for me.

You know when you're playing with kids and having fun, an odd effect goes off. You don't remember your problems, worries or just have fun and smile. You don't care about what needs to be done in the morning, don't remember things in the past and don't think of yourself, you just know to smile and have fun. It's what I'll dub the I.K.F.A. Effect or the Inner Kid Forget All Effect, the only effect you don't realize is happening or has happened until it's over.

Later days,

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