Cause and Effect, Love and Pain
To start let me say I am typing this on an offline computer and I'm not home yet so when I post this don't be surprised if you see an edit afterwards.
I have been thinking a lot lately, what if I never get an answer; do I just sit here and pine away for him? Of course I will always love and miss him in my life but I can't waste my life waiting for what may not come, so what can I do? I've found myself in a bit of a bind with this proposition, I mean I want to stay faithful to him for he is the only one I feel so strongly for and even now it pains me to think that I may be with someone else.
How can I explain this? Hmm...I'm trying to think of the best way but there really is no best way unless you go through the same exact situation so I guess I will break it into a list...
1. You find someone you've loved a long time loves you the same (six months ago)
2. You are told by someone else that the person and a lot of your friends want a break, you oblige (2 weeks ago)
3. You talk to the person you love and find they're debating over whether or not they love you, in said conversation you tell them that you will always love them and if they want to extend the break feel free, just inform you if they are or not (forget how long ago)
4. You haven't received in answer in a long time, days have dragged on for you, every one that passes makes you feel more pain, gets to the point you don't care what the answer is anymore even though you do, you just want an answer period
The effect it's having on you? Well okay here's a short list of effects...
1. Trouble sleeping
2. Nightmares when you do sleep
3. Lost appetite
4. Always worried and wondering when
5. Not yourself towards people, even though you try to act indifferent
6. Crying, lots of crying
7. Depression, sometimes to the point people who don't even know you ask what's wrong
Get the picture? Well that's basically what I am going through, those effects, that's my daily life now. Considering time is dragging on now for me makes it ten times worse for me, the suffering is endless.
I've tried to overcome this by talking to people, going to friends when I feel the worst and sometimes I bury myself in writing. Sad thing is, not matter what the solution, the pain always returns, always stronger than when I left it.
I love Tai, that is never going to change, more today than yesterday and less today than tomorrow, again never going to change. But, I cannot wait for an answer that may never come; I have to try to move on with my life. Thing is, when I try to, I always find myself worried and wondering, knowing that no matter what, I will always love him.
I'm going to keep what changes he's instigated in my being, keep refining myself and making myself a better person. For those changes though, they will be a constant reminder, of the one man who I thought I would forever be with, no matter what came our way.
I was told once that love is a two-way road, love and pain; you can't have one without the other. Through love you overcome the pain, through pain your love grows, maybe that explains why my love keeps growing even in his absence.
I never thought it would be this way to be honest, I thought love was always some magical thing that protected you from pain, now though I see it gives you the power to deal with it.
Love is no longer something I will ever mess with, not something I will consider lightly, for those people I do love as friends, family and such...don't think I don't understand it now. Even though no one can truly understand love, I think I have a pretty good idea of it and it's potential.
Even with most of my friends gone in my life, I still love each and every one of them, if they called in the future and asked for help, you bet I would be there for them. Contrary to what some have said of me, I don't turn my back on my friends, even when it seems they have done so to me. That's the way I've always done things actually; I just never showed how I helped; but I always did or at the very least tried to.
Some of you know me online, some in the real world, some from instant messengers, some from boards, some only from this blog or one of my others but no matter how you know me, the fact is...you know more about me than most. You know my strengths, weaknesses, my good and my dark sides, my love and my hate; you know me more than most people whom have known me a life time will possibly ever know.
Later days,
Matt
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