mattz life - life unabridged and uncensored 

Moment of Reflection, Tears of Joy

What did I do today? I reflected on my life, thought about my new decisions and thought about my friends. My choices now will affect me for a lifetime, something I don't like to risk a lot but taking a blind chance and having faith you will pull through is a lot better than not.

What does that mean? Throughout my life I've avoided decisions that I thought could shut doors in my life, in a sense I think shutting more doors than I'd like to admit. That's going to change, I've made quite a few decisions that will affect my life recently and to be honest, it feels good. I will follow my decisions through till the end, no matter the hardships, afterall isn't that what life is? To make it through the tough parts and prove yourself strong.

Now I admit I ain't thinking everything out, I have general ideas and loose plans in place but that's the beauty of it. Something comes up or changes, I can modify my path to work with the change or around it, which ever is necessary. Besides, that's what one of my downfalls was, I tried to think every single thing out to the letter, it's impossible. I can only imagine the outcomes and weigh the outcomes against the trials I will have to go through to achieve success. I am tired of looking for the easiest road to succeed, it doesn't exist and I don't think it ever did. People who are looking for this road should come to their senses and realize if you're looking for the easiest road, you'll never do anything to drive down any road. You'll end up being just a tourist on the road of life, looking but never driving yourself.

Also, I read a comment in here from someone that brought me to tears, it was from the person who holds the key to my heart. He topped off my entire week with one long sentence, not including the closing. The closing though caught me quite off guard and made the crying worse. No, the crying was not out of depression or anything of the like, it was tears of pure joy and happiness. He thinks it didn't sound as good, but little does he know it stood above the rest in meaning to me. To hear such a thing from someone you love as no other, everything else pales in comparison.

He can have as long as he needs or even wants to insure his eyes unhindered, mind unclouded for I will wait for him until that moment.

Later days,

PS - For those wondering I have succeeded in taking the first few steps to nicotine freedom, I have not smoked today.

Hope Renewed, True Friends Exist

Let me start by saying that Naruto is jumping up and down, he's happy and I know why. I just got done talking to Ken online, it felt really good. I mean, of course it was awkward but it felt good nonetheless.

I won't get into the details of it because it's a private conversation, all I will say is it felt good and boosted my hope a lot. I also talked to my friend's Takato and his GF which also felt good and made me smile, it showed me that there is a good chance in life for everything. I only no...I know that one day I shall return the favor to them, for all they've done for me.

For what they had to do to show me what I had in me all along, that was a true act from the heart. To make such a decision, that was a true act of love and to follow through with it that was a true act of kindness and compassion.

I know I probably sound like a sap or something but that's how I feel. In fact they are what made me begin to show my emotions, they tore down the last part of my barrier by pushing me away.

I will leave you with this note, if your friends do something that hurts you a lot like telling you not to come around for awhile, it probably hurts them too to have to say such and it's probably something that will help you both in the long run.

Later days,

Naruto Dreams

Lately I've been having lots of dreams involving certain people, some good, others bad. Last night I had one of the better ones, it was just me and Tai sitting and talking. I don't know if it's a prediction of what's to come or not but it felt good. He was smiling, he was laughing and smiling.

Also, last night Naruto and I had a long talk about the current situation. He brought up some good things and showed me where I was too He's a good guy though, always helping and for some reason he knows when to avoid speaking.

Later days,

Two choice

I have gotten to thinking lately about what I want to do with my life. I mean seriously, what do I want to do, where do I want to be and how can I get there...that kind of stuff.

The ideas came to me as such, go back to school at TDA and go to MTC as well while working. It's either that or go enroll in the military either Army or Navy and go to college through them. I could prolly also get my high school degree through them too come to think of it.

Anyways I got an update on the friend front, I took it the wrong way, so Sora was right. Thank god...I thought they didn't want anything to do with me but apparently they just want a break. So that made my day a bit better and gave me some hope for things. I know one thing though, some of them lied to me but you know I forgive them.

I just wish they would've known that if they'd of told me they need a break or that they need time alone I would've understood totally. They didn't give me that chance though, they prolly thought I'd flip out if they did but, it's cool.

Later days,

Proof of Changes

I'm proud of myself, I actually handled that well, I didn't jump to anything like I used to and I didn't really do anything. I ended up talking to Izzy and Max who both we're a bit shocked at me, they also were shocked at how calm I was. I mean instead of getting totally angry and doing something stupid, I talked and let off some steam on to a church.

I didn't even resort to bad thoughts or drinking nor did I backstep on my promise to Tai. It's scary, I didn't think I'd changed much but apparently I have...too bad it took something like this to prove it to me but I guess if it's meant to be our paths will cross again.

If not meant to be...I only wish him the best and hope he finds happiness. Yesterday, a part of me died but I am not going to let it get to me, I have to be positive and hope for the best. I've done pretty good so far, maybe I can go farther.

Later days,
Matt a joke...plz...plz...plz

Joke...please be a joke...please be a joke...

If there's a god it's a joke...a sick one...a very...I...s'cuse me...

I just got told by my friends, the people I love and care about that they basically didn't want me around, by someone else too. Please god let this be a dream, a joke, anything but reality....

I beg of you...almighty one...if you exist...let it be a joke...something I can forgive...something I can put in the past...something...anything...but reality...

Warning: Long Post, Lots of Edits

Let's see...where to start? Hmmm...

I got home about ten something lastnight, dropped off my notebook and went over to Tai's just to tell him that I loved him and that I missed him, but he wasn't home. I swung over by Ken's but didn't see his bedroom light or the computer/TV on so I did a 180 on my bike and rode back home. You know I have to admit something, I missed Tai...a lot...I mean every other minute I was thinking of him.

I talked a lot to Koushiro and Max about a lot of things, even some weird ass shit LOL. Was great I tell ya, very great. We went to their dad's and oh boy was it a trip, Max told his dad that he was gay...I think he about had a heartattack. You know yesterday I rode from David St. to my house to Tai's to Ken's and back to my house? That's a lot of butt hurt...felt like...well...nevermind how it felt.

I got to meet a new person online, he's pretty cool and very very interesting. He holds Taito as high as I do which automatically makes him my friend. I just can't get over what he said though, it was too funny. In fact, you know right now I am talking with him, he's cool.

I have to say that a bit of a mean streak of paranoia infected me so I had to at least give it merit for what it said. I told Izzy what I was thinking and boy he about applauded me for the evilness. I don't think I will follow through with it though...I don't think I could. I have to give Naruto credit too, he helped me just think and helped me to not do what I was thinking, what a great guy.

Okay seeing as it's only 7:21 AM right now instead of PM like I thought it was...I think I can safely say I am scared that I am awake this early on my own without staying up all night. So if I typed anything in reference to time that was off by my assumption that it was in the evening it's my bad...I'm weird.

So what else is there? Oh how bout I tell ya about what just happened, yeah that's a good finishing update. I was sitting here typing this when my ex-neighbor's little girl ran back my backdoor crying. Well I got up and went to see what was wrong, she couldn't find her mom. So I went to her old house thinking she might be moving some things, no luck. Went to her new answer. I came back home and we talked to mom who gave me the idea of checking the backdoors. So I did, went in to the new house and found her mom in bed, so I woke her up and told her.

You know for being what, three years old? She was pretty brave to go out and try to find her mom.

Well since I have a whole day ahead of me now...I guess I can try to make plans.

Later days,

Edit: Luck

Man my luck lately is getting better or worse I don't know which, I just got a visit from an old friend of mine who I've wanted to see for so long. Sora yelled at me when he was here and thought I was ignoring her, *sigh* I haven't seen him in years...I wanted to talk with him and give him my full attention, guess I couldn't since I had to worry about Sora thinking I was ignoring her. Truth be told I would of told anyone else who IMed I had company and wasn't going to talk till he was gone.

I guess today's been good overall...hope to see Tai today, if I don't then...well yeah guess I don't get to see my kawaii lil' hedgehog. Wish he would IM or call or something though...

Edit #2: Preventable

I talked to Sora, I think she understands now but I did neglect to set an away or explain when she IMed so I had my part to be sorry for too. Also, two of the kittens died...that's very I see why she calls her mother such could've been prevented.

Edit #3: Naruto Talks

Matt's life is so hard on him, yet he never wants help and when he does he hates taking it. He feels weak when it comes to asking for things, he hates asking for even little things like a cigarette. I try to tell him different but he fights me so much, sometimes though I win out over him. He's such a stubborn kid I tell ya, doesn't back down until he feels like he's lost totally.

I wish he knew that people cared, he knows but he doesn't act that way. Maybe if I keep on him about his views and shit he will change even more. Everytime he reaches for help from someone, he thinks they shun him and turn their backs, he knows Tai loves him but he doesn't always feel that way, and he always blames himself for anything that's wrong in something important to him. I wish he would understand that people care and Tai loves him and it's not always his fault for things, I wish he would just stop being paranoid. I know he's trying his hardest to change yet he is tormented internally, weird that it was this torment that created me inside of him to help.

I just know that with me alone he will not be able to cope or finish the changes. He doesn't tell anyone that almost every night he cries himself to sleep, scared, worried and fearful that one day his friends will be gone when he wakes up.

Edit #4: With Vengence It Invades

Fucking paranoia leave me the fuck alone! Please!!!! God mother fucking dammit quit making me think shit! Stop! Please!? Oh...god...shoot me...please...I can't stop....I don't deserve to think this of anyone....please god shoot me....Naruto help me....something....

I just someone....I very alone....just want to talk to my boyfriend or someone that I know cares. It's scaring me.....I don't want to....I can't....Shane....I love him....does he love me? Shut up paranoia! Quit! He has his fucking reasons! can't quit crying...I am pissing people me....before I do.....someone...anyone....

Damn it no! He loves me! Mother fucking mind! He has his reasons for not calling! Stop thinking! Fuck! All I want to do is tell him I love him....I do love him....he loves me....he tells me that he does! Then why don't he call? Why don't he ask for you to come over? Why doesn't anyone!? He has his reasons...I don't know what they are! Just stop it! That's all you've done all day is make me feel like shit! Fucking die already!

Edit #5: Regarding Edit #4

I couldn't hold it in anymore...I'm pretty sure I owe some apologies to people, yeah definently in order but you know it wouldn't kill him to write an e-mail, call or even IM a simple little thing that lets me know he cares. I don't want to lose him...but...I don't want to fear losing him all the time like I do, so if he cares he has to show me somehow, even if it is a simple little IM or short thirty second phone call.

I don't think that's too much, it's not is it? Fuck....I don't know anymore...I just want to....feel like he means it every so often you know just tell me or show me that he loves me like he's told me. I love him...more and more...everyday....yesterday less than today and today less than tomorrow.

Edit #6: List of Love

Takato busted his leg today, I went over to talk to his girlfriend, try to help myself with my problems. You know when she told me how much pain he was in. I told her I'd rather have him go to the hospital to get it looked at than to explain my problems even though it meant me going home. She did kinda tell me something I've been trying to do but I guess I never tried hard enough. From today on I will tell people I care that I do and that I love them...cuz I do...always have....

Let's start with people now shall we?

People I love, Tai, Ken, Chad, Angie, David, AJ, Sora, Kouichi, Matt, Wanda, Brett, Jeremy, Kip, Mom, Ricia, Samantha, Missy, Shy, Mariah, Joey, Derrick, TJ, Mikey, Derek (IY fan), Grandma, Fred and Naruto since he's almost a full person to me now.

That list is incomplete, in no particular order...well okay I love Tai more but that's not the point of it...I love them all...I really mean it too...

You know I love Tai so much...I can't believe I had that thought before...I mean honestly I hated thinking it but it wouldn't stop, like a voice yelling you can't ignore. I know he loves me, I know it in my heart and mind but I admit sometimes I guess one can forget things when one needs to remember the most. You'd think I'd never forget it but sometimes when I need him the most to just hold me tight and tell me everything will be okay he's not there to and it it makes me feel so alone. I have to remember it...have to know it more...have to put my heart on the line for it...have to risk my heart to believe it...that was a risk I'd never take...till today...till now.

Edit #7: Delayed/Long Post and Explanation

Okay BlogEasy was down for the count when I went to update the first time so I just saved it in a text file on my comp. Well a lot of stuff happened that I wanted to talk about and had to get out of my system when I couldn't so I added it to this post instead of making like 8 new posts.

So that's the explanation, oh and as for Naruto...he's my conscience personafied, he helps me a lot and has been helping me for awhile now, no I don't see him except when I watch the eps and yes I hear him, I just don't always talk to him out-loud.

Also all this stuff happened throughout the day so you will see changes from a earlier post to a later post.

Grr, Naruto wanted me to say that I cried today...he thinks it's going to help me be more open...well I guess maybe he has a point...

Yoo-hoo and Beyblade...

To begin, I haven't seen Tai in two days and I am going through withdrawl! LOL, just kidding but I do miss him nonetheless...I just wouldn't tell him I had another dream about him. LOL he may get ideas then...not bad but the kind that I would be very tired from LOL.

Hey who in the hell said that gas stations, stores and shit had the right to close after 3am?! I mean really who gave them that right to withhold my nicotine!? Evil fucking entrepreneurs.

Well I am listening to Beyblade now so umm....yeah....Yoohoo!

Later days,

to my love

To the man who I love, I seen a side of you that no one else has ever laid eyes upon. I have gazed deep within your eyes and felt your soul touch mine. You make me the happiest man in all of god's creation by being one with me.

Since that day oh so long ago, when you let me in to your heart I've always felt at home with you. You bring safety, security and an unending ray of light in to me. You have made me realize so many things about myself I had cast away in life. You bring so many things out of me that I never knew existed before.

You are the man of my dreams, everyday I am with you I pray to god that if it's a dream that I never awake for fear of losing you. I could swear that you were an angel sent to earth when I first laid eyes upon you. I was scared at first to say anything when we first met, yet you brought it out of me by making the first step.

You are my dawn and my dusk, the first thought when I awake and that last thought when I am asleep and you are the only person that has the ability to bring me to both laughter and tears. I told you once I will always think of you on two occasions, when my eyes are open and when they are closed, to this I hold true. I also told you I love you more today than yesterday and less today than tomorrow, to this I also hold forever true.

To you I promise, my heart, soul and entire being for as long as you love me this is forever true.

Boredom & Desires

You know boredom causes weird things, like what you ask? Oh how about 4 new music videos, 6 chapters to a fanfic and lots of zoning.

I got to thinking today about is the desire for desires, make sense? Okay basically when you're bored you want something to do right? You desire something to do, something to do is desires so you desire for desires. Okay not clicking is it? Well not my fault, blame Leo was him that influenced it.

You know I got to thinking about how I am changing myself for the better and for some reason I got to thinking about The Ordeal of Change by Eric Hoffer. He said that there can be no real freedom without the freedom to fail and I think he's right. I can't be truly free from my own barriers and chains unless I fail sometimes, so maybe I can stop looking at it as I've failed when I try to overcome something and realize that I am free from it. But does that mean I've failed or succeeded? If I see that I've failed at something then realize that by failure I've really succeeded did I really fail?

Well I think that's enough of that...thinking is weird for me, especially when it makes sense. Then again, "Cogito, ergo sum".

Later days,

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