Warning: Long Post, Lots of Edits 

Warning: Long Post, Lots of Edits

Let's see...where to start? Hmmm...

I got home about ten something lastnight, dropped off my notebook and went over to Tai's just to tell him that I loved him and that I missed him, but he wasn't home. I swung over by Ken's but didn't see his bedroom light or the computer/TV on so I did a 180 on my bike and rode back home. You know I have to admit something, I missed Tai...a lot...I mean every other minute I was thinking of him.

I talked a lot to Koushiro and Max about a lot of things, even some weird ass shit LOL. Was great I tell ya, very great. We went to their dad's and oh boy was it a trip, Max told his dad that he was gay...I think he about had a heartattack. You know yesterday I rode from David St. to my house to Tai's to Ken's and back to my house? That's a lot of riding...my butt hurt...felt like...well...nevermind how it felt.

I got to meet a new person online, he's pretty cool and very very interesting. He holds Taito as high as I do which automatically makes him my friend. I just can't get over what he said though, it was too funny. In fact, you know right now I am talking with him, he's cool.

I have to say that a bit of a mean streak of paranoia infected me so I had to at least give it merit for what it said. I told Izzy what I was thinking and boy he about applauded me for the evilness. I don't think I will follow through with it though...I don't think I could. I have to give Naruto credit too, he helped me just think and helped me to not do what I was thinking, what a great guy.

Okay seeing as it's only 7:21 AM right now instead of PM like I thought it was...I think I can safely say I am scared that I am awake this early on my own without staying up all night. So if I typed anything in reference to time that was off by my assumption that it was in the evening it's my bad...I'm weird.

So what else is there? Oh how bout I tell ya about what just happened, yeah that's a good finishing update. I was sitting here typing this when my ex-neighbor's little girl ran back my backdoor crying. Well I got up and went to see what was wrong, she couldn't find her mom. So I went to her old house thinking she might be moving some things, no luck. Went to her new house...no answer. I came back home and we talked to mom who gave me the idea of checking the backdoors. So I did, went in to the new house and found her mom in bed, so I woke her up and told her.

You know for being what, three years old? She was pretty brave to go out and try to find her mom.

Well since I have a whole day ahead of me now...I guess I can try to make plans.

Later days,
Matt

Edit: Luck

Man my luck lately is getting better or worse I don't know which, I just got a visit from an old friend of mine who I've wanted to see for so long. Sora yelled at me when he was here and thought I was ignoring her, *sigh* I haven't seen him in years...I wanted to talk with him and give him my full attention, guess I couldn't since I had to worry about Sora thinking I was ignoring her. Truth be told I would of told anyone else who IMed I had company and wasn't going to talk till he was gone.

I guess today's been good overall...hope to see Tai today, if I don't then...well yeah guess I don't get to see my kawaii lil' hedgehog. Wish he would IM or call or something though...

Edit #2: Preventable

I talked to Sora, I think she understands now but I did neglect to set an away or explain when she IMed so I had my part to be sorry for too. Also, two of the kittens died...that's very sad...now I see why she calls her mother such names...it could've been prevented.

Edit #3: Naruto Talks

Matt's life is so hard on him, yet he never wants help and when he does he hates taking it. He feels weak when it comes to asking for things, he hates asking for even little things like a cigarette. I try to tell him different but he fights me so much, sometimes though I win out over him. He's such a stubborn kid I tell ya, doesn't back down until he feels like he's lost totally.

I wish he knew that people cared, he knows but he doesn't act that way. Maybe if I keep on him about his views and shit he will change even more. Everytime he reaches for help from someone, he thinks they shun him and turn their backs, he knows Tai loves him but he doesn't always feel that way, and he always blames himself for anything that's wrong in something important to him. I wish he would understand that people care and Tai loves him and it's not always his fault for things, I wish he would just stop being paranoid. I know he's trying his hardest to change yet he is tormented internally, weird that it was this torment that created me inside of him to help.

I just know that with me alone he will not be able to cope or finish the changes. He doesn't tell anyone that almost every night he cries himself to sleep, scared, worried and fearful that one day his friends will be gone when he wakes up.

Edit #4: With Vengence It Invades

Fucking paranoia leave me the fuck alone! Please!!!! God mother fucking dammit quit making me think shit! Stop! Please!? Oh...god...shoot me...please...I can't stop....I don't deserve to think this of anyone....please god shoot me....Naruto help me....something....

I just want...to talk....to someone....I feel...alone...so very alone....just want to talk to my boyfriend or someone that I know cares. It's scaring me.....I don't want to....I can't....Shane....I love him....does he love me? Shut up paranoia! Quit! He has his fucking reasons! God....help....I can't quit crying...I am pissing people off....help....stop me....before I do.....someone...anyone....

Damn it no! He loves me! Mother fucking mind! He has his reasons for not calling! Stop thinking! Fuck! All I want to do is tell him I love him....I do love him....he loves me....he tells me that he does! Then why don't he call? Why don't he ask for you to come over? Why doesn't anyone!? He has his reasons...I don't know what they are! Just stop it! That's all you've done all day is make me feel like shit! Fucking die already!

Edit #5: Regarding Edit #4

I couldn't hold it in anymore...I'm pretty sure I owe some apologies to people, yeah definently in order but you know it wouldn't kill him to write an e-mail, call or even IM a simple little thing that lets me know he cares. I don't want to lose him...but...I don't want to fear losing him all the time like I do, so if he cares he has to show me somehow, even if it is a simple little IM or short thirty second phone call.

I don't think that's too much, it's not is it? Fuck....I don't know anymore...I just want to....feel like he means it every so often you know just tell me or show me that he loves me like he's told me. I love him...more and more...everyday....yesterday less than today and today less than tomorrow.

Edit #6: List of Love

Takato busted his leg today, I went over to talk to his girlfriend, try to help myself with my problems. You know when she told me how much pain he was in. I told her I'd rather have him go to the hospital to get it looked at than to explain my problems even though it meant me going home. She did kinda tell me something I've been trying to do but I guess I never tried hard enough. From today on I will tell people I care that I do and that I love them...cuz I do...always have....

Let's start with people now shall we?

People I love, Tai, Ken, Chad, Angie, David, AJ, Sora, Kouichi, Matt, Wanda, Brett, Jeremy, Kip, Mom, Ricia, Samantha, Missy, Shy, Mariah, Joey, Derrick, TJ, Mikey, Derek (IY fan), Grandma, Fred and Naruto since he's almost a full person to me now.

That list is incomplete, in no particular order...well okay I love Tai more but that's not the point of it...I love them all...I really mean it too...

You know I love Tai so much...I can't believe I had that thought before...I mean honestly I hated thinking it but it wouldn't stop, like a voice yelling you can't ignore. I know he loves me, I know it in my heart and mind but I admit sometimes I guess one can forget things when one needs to remember the most. You'd think I'd never forget it but sometimes when I need him the most to just hold me tight and tell me everything will be okay he's not there to and it it makes me feel so alone. I have to remember it...have to know it more...have to put my heart on the line for it...have to risk my heart to believe it...that was a risk I'd never take...till today...till now.

Edit #7: Delayed/Long Post and Explanation

Okay BlogEasy was down for the count when I went to update the first time so I just saved it in a text file on my comp. Well a lot of stuff happened that I wanted to talk about and had to get out of my system when I couldn't so I added it to this post instead of making like 8 new posts.

So that's the explanation, oh and as for Naruto...he's my conscience personafied, he helps me a lot and has been helping me for awhile now, no I don't see him except when I watch the eps and yes I hear him, I just don't always talk to him out-loud.

Also all this stuff happened throughout the day so you will see changes from a earlier post to a later post.

Grr, Naruto wanted me to say that I cried today...he thinks it's going to help me be more open...well I guess maybe he has a point...