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Oh my god...I did not just spend over 7 hours reading Naruto fics. I think I must've read almost half of the ones on FF.net, okay so maybe I only read the SasukexNaruto fics. I have read 37 fics in that time and I have added a lot to my favorites list.
Good fucking night! LOL, didn't think I would get that caught up in them. I mean to be honest, I was very umm...excited after 20 fics of vivid detail and with my imagination...yeah.
Okay now let's see...
In life I am taking a break from people in general, Sunday is my day of fuck everyone I have sleep. LOL, okay so maybe I ain't doing that online...but offline I don't intend to go anywhere.
Also, I guess I need to check myself before I react to shit...make sure I know ALL the facts and not let my mind play with what I do know or think rather. Boy do I need to do that. I guess sometimes I forget that changing involves not letting old habits come back. Changing is so damned hard, especially when it comes to emotions and such but, it is for the best.
I think around like 7 in the morning I will log off and kick my niece the fuck out of my bed and sleep. Prolly wake up and take a nice hot shower and of course clean...maybe clean before the shower.
If you want your whole life to be free from pain, become a god...that or a corpse.
Later days,
Matt
Why is it when I am trying my best to not acknowledge a stupid paranoid thought that I know is fucking wrong that I can't not let it lie? I mean I can't go without at least saying, hey I got a thought about something and it makes me feel like such a fucking asshole. Especially when it comes to Taichi, I mean I trust him beyond trust yet this fucking voice in my head is telling me not to. Fucking voice, it's like well, back when I was blackhat I used to live by that voice...it was what made me able to do so many things then.
Now though, it's fucking impairing my ability to be happy, to make him happy...it's...fucking my life up. I begin to doubt what I shouldn't, I begin to think things and to top it off sometimes I can't ignore it at all. It's really making it so I can't be happy...sometimes to the point to where I fuck up by believing in it. I try so hard too...I try not to listen to it...try to ignore it...but it begins to stop whispering and start yelling. It's almost as though it's a brat in my head who won't shut the fuck up till I appease it.
I am stronger than this, I know it...I know I am...I have to be to be able to of gone through in my life without a scratch. I have to overcome it...overpower and overthrow that little fuck...I have to show it logic and trust is worth far more than a single paranoid thought that doesn't fit into those categories. I have to...for my sake...for my relationship's sake and for the sake of all who know me. They've been hurt too long by that lil fuck...I've hurt them...I have to fucking stop.
Oh god fucking quote came to mind, "A mind all logic is like a knife all blade, it makes the hand bleed that uses it"; came from Rabindranath Tagore. It's scary cuz that's what my mind is, no wonder I feel so much pain in life. La Rochefoucald also comes to mind, "It is more shameful to mistrust one's friends than to be deceived by them." Why do I know these things and why have I not followed their words? One with knowledge who doesn't use it isn't considered knowledgable is he? Guess that would be me there...
Well hope to see Ken tomorrow, cuz I miss him...a lot, I may not show it but god is there a void in my heart from where he's not here.
Guess I can say, Tai I made you think...ha ha! How's it feel to use your brain?! ROFLMAO just joshin'...
Later days,
Yamato
Ummm okay...what happened? I went to Ken's board...Sora quit, I went to her board...it doesn't exist, her journal said family problems...am I failing to see the connection?
I mean...when I talked to her...yeah she was okay one minute and then boom she stopped talking. Uhh...yeah...weird very weird...
Hope what ever it is it gets solved soon...
Sora if you get this...what happened to make you quit everything?
Later days,
Matt
PS- Damn it come on paranoia leave my system...I'm begging you...I ain't acknowledging you...so fuck off...
Sora: I hope you can make it through whatever it is, you are strong...
Last night...okay very early this morning I got the chance to talk to Tai unlike any other time. I learned so much and I also slightly fucked up...but I apologized very quickly when I realized it. Considering the talk lasted hours literally, I feel very...honored. He told me things I knew and some things I didn't.
I also found out I am too dumb when it comes to seeing through some acts...boy am I. But now that I know...I can see...eyes uninhibited...unhindered I can see what was there all along. I guess what I am trying to say is the way I've been feeling lately is my fault, my fault for not seeing.
Maybe someday he won't have to act, I just hope he knows that I believe in his inner strength. I believe he can do the right thing when it comes to something, he can do it...I know he can.
I believe in him...I will always...
Later days,
Matt
PS - Rise above your problems...see the solutions...plain as day they exist...uncloud your vision or be cast down...into the halls of the blind.
Blond beauty, to start I wish to say I am allowed to look at him all I want cuz I said so! LOL, okay...to begin Taichi dyed his hair...as long as he stays away from the blue streaks I like it. Well wait I should say if he tips his hair blue it'd be cool...if tinges the sides and maybe the bangs it'd be cool too. I love it..well that's beside the fact that anything on him looks good.
Self revelation, I figured out that I am not as good at hiding things from people as I thought. I mean my god I thought I hid it pretty damned well...but NOOOOO...LOL. Everyone knows but just don't want to say it apparently. Well there's that and I guess I do have a bit of a streak of paranoia still in my system, that with a bit of jealousy to be honest. I guess I will have to continue to work on that, but sometimes I guess this hiding the fact I am in love with a very handsome guy gets to me and chains with my thoughts.
Chicken, I went out to eat today instead of move things with my friend Wanda. We talked a while about the situation at hand, I felt kind of out of place though. I mean yeah in a way I did cause it but in a way I guess I didn't. I just hate how her ex treats her. I mean she's doing the best she can and doesn't need his shit...especially when she has full custody of the boys. You know he don't HAVE to see them...maybe she should hold that over his head till he acts right.
Well I guess that's all for now...
Later days,
Matt
Okay let me begin with telling you that I love Tai...Tai loves me but well...I am picking up subtle hints as to otherwise...maybe it's in my mind but well I figure I should at least type it...see if it makes sense in my head.
This weekend he was supposed to stay here, I had the whole day planned right...well he didn't I stayed there and then when he was supposed to stay Sunday night he didn't. I picked up on the vibe that he didn't want to spend time with me...I mean like truly one-on-one time...with or without sex I wouldn't of cared...I just wanted to be with him, you know what I mean?
Then there was the movie...we planned to see T3 right? Well we did...I told him fifty some odd times I'd pay for him to get in...he ended up asking his brother to pay which he has to pay back. Is my money not good enough to buy his ticket?
I know it must sound like I am like a lost puppy or something but I just wished he'd listen and follow up on what he told me. Like when he said he'd stay...*sigh*
I still love him...that's not going to change...maybe I am seeing things...seeing things that arn't there but in my head, would be a lot easier on my heart if it was. Still, there is the chance that it's not in my head...a chance I don't want to be true...
Later days,
Matt
BTW, I don't think he even reads this anymore...that or he never mentions it...*sigh* I hate not being able to talk about what's going on and what I feel...I try so hard to but I fail...like so many other things in my life...
He looks so innocent...so happy...so...cute...laying on the couch...asleep...*sigh* I wonder what's going through his mind. I love him so much...he's my little hedgehog...
I feel like I am living in a dreamworld when I'm around him, everything is just surreal...almost like it's a fantasy and I pray everyday that if this is a dream I won't wake up...ever. He is just...everything to me...he is my world...I know it in my heart...etched into the grain of my soul.
I don't know why I can't just tell this kind of stuff to him...I mean...I say I love you so many times in one day...I kiss him so many times everyday and yet I feel like I am holding back from him. I feel like he doesn't know yet the way I think of him like when we're together and when we're apart it brings so much pain and lonliness into my heart.
I love Tai that much...he's my lil hedgehog...my Taichi...my...world.
Later days,
Matt
I am here at Tai's...watching him play Castlevania or whatever, it's great. He's like totally into it...his level of concentration unmatched by that of any other, his fingers pressing the keys at precise intervals to perform master feats and of course his level of engagement tactics are astounding.
Okay enough...I'm gonna start drooling and wanting somethin here in a second if I continue complimenting my man. Anyways, it's great...let's leave it at that...ROFL
I been thinking a lot lately about stuff you know, mostly just problems without solutions like is zero a negative or a positive number...odd or even? Well LOL don't mind me...I am tired as fuck...I'm kind of hoping he will invite me to go lay down wih him soon...I don't want to sleep alone tonight. I don't mean like that either, I mean lay beside him and sleep beside him...maybe an arm around him after an hour or two. LOL...
Well...Later days...
Matt
~yawn~ Welcome to another...~yawn~ exciting post in my blog..thingie. I didn't go out on my date tonight, we found...umm better things to do. He doesn't realize that the second I spot the chance I will pounce on him like a tiger.
~yawn~ Let's see...well I think today...I will take him to the fair for the fireworks display ~yawn~ and maybe ride some rides with him.
I know I know...yawning is typed but hey...~yawn~ everytime I type it I yawn...plus I'm out of cigarettes...maybe that's a good thing.
I love Taichi...he's my kawaii lil hedge ~yawn~ hog...albeit he is currently addicted to EverCrack
Well once again I am typing in Notepad...*sigh* gotta remember to do this first before starting downloads. Let's see today is the big day, I got to wake up early for a haircut and not smoke for the day. I am hoping it goes as good as I want it to, I mean I know I ain't the perfect person but for today I will try my best to be as close as possible. You know no matter what, I am going to be the best person I can be...make this the best date ever.
You know someone brought up a good point to me today too, I am very talented at hiding myself from people. I mean like what I really think and stuff like that...I guess it's been a skill finely honed since I was nine. Yeah when I was nine I figured out I was gay, but I also knew the world wouldn't accept me for that so I did a lot of covering and hiding my true emotions. I guess I do it very very very very well and for that I've fooled a lot of people. Consider for the fact that I've loved Tai for a long time...consider for the fact that I seen the movements he made last summer, I chose to ignore them because I thought I was seeing what I wanted to be true for so long and it ended up to come true later than sooner. At least it happened though...
I guess through all the years of hiding from people...I've also hid myself from...myself. That's all going to change though, in a few more years I will hide nothing no more but for the time being...I can play the game...as long as I can pause the game...I can play.
You while I am at this point in my typing I guess I can hit on my creative truths thing. You know I can sit here and tell you I am not gay and not be lying? You know I can sit here and tell you I am in Japan while I am typing this and not be lying? Well you want to know how? Listen to the wording of the following questions:
Are you gay? (their meaning...do you have homosexual tendancies?)
My response: Nope... (my creative truth meaning: no I ain't happy go lucky right now)
Where are you from? (their meaning...where do you live)
My response: Japan... (my creative truth meaning: in my heart I reside there)
Are you a smoker? (their meaning...do you smoke cigarettes?)
My response: No..I don't smoke and have never (my creative truth meaning: i've never been set on fire so my body hasn't emitted smoke)
Get it? I reword, redefine or rearrange the question in my head to come up with answer that is by all means true while at the same time dodging the true answer. I don't lie...I create truths...
12:50 am: -=shock to my system=-
I was just informed of something...I kinda knew it in my mind...I also had the same feelings awhile back too...but well...I don't know what to say other than...part of me wished I knew then but most of me is happy with my life now. It makes me wonder if I should've acted then but I mean...I am really happy now and I mean it's like...what I've always wanted to be true came true. It's not going to affect my friendship though with the person...if anything we can at least talk more about things, maybe I can find someone for them...so they can be happy as I am now...
1:39 am: -=realization...god I am weak=-
How the hell did I let people like Pete Rhinebolt drive me away from graduating? How the fuck did I let that happen!? God damn I must be a fucking weak fuck...I mean here I am, barriers and psychological limits setup to prevent myself from letting them get to me...what did I do? I let them get to me! God...what the fuck happened?! I mean seriously...well guess I will have to right that wrong...
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