Very bloody hands...
Why is it when I am trying my best to not acknowledge a stupid paranoid thought that I know is fucking wrong that I can't not let it lie? I mean I can't go without at least saying, hey I got a thought about something and it makes me feel like such a fucking asshole. Especially when it comes to Taichi, I mean I trust him beyond trust yet this fucking voice in my head is telling me not to. Fucking voice, it's like well, back when I was blackhat I used to live by that voice...it was what made me able to do so many things then.
Now though, it's fucking impairing my ability to be happy, to make him happy...it's...fucking my life up. I begin to doubt what I shouldn't, I begin to think things and to top it off sometimes I can't ignore it at all. It's really making it so I can't be happy...sometimes to the point to where I fuck up by believing in it. I try so hard too...I try not to listen to it...try to ignore it...but it begins to stop whispering and start yelling. It's almost as though it's a brat in my head who won't shut the fuck up till I appease it.
I am stronger than this, I know it...I know I am...I have to be to be able to of gone through in my life without a scratch. I have to overcome it...overpower and overthrow that little fuck...I have to show it logic and trust is worth far more than a single paranoid thought that doesn't fit into those categories. I have to...for my sake...for my relationship's sake and for the sake of all who know me. They've been hurt too long by that lil fuck...I've hurt them...I have to fucking stop.
Oh god fucking quote came to mind, "A mind all logic is like a knife all blade, it makes the hand bleed that uses it"; came from Rabindranath Tagore. It's scary cuz that's what my mind is, no wonder I feel so much pain in life. La Rochefoucald also comes to mind, "It is more shameful to mistrust one's friends than to be deceived by them." Why do I know these things and why have I not followed their words? One with knowledge who doesn't use it isn't considered knowledgable is he? Guess that would be me there...
Well hope to see Ken tomorrow, cuz I miss him...a lot, I may not show it but god is there a void in my heart from where he's not here.
Guess I can say, Tai I made you think...ha ha! How's it feel to use your brain?! ROFLMAO just joshin'...
Later days,
Yamato
|
