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Here it is 12:28am and I am typing in Notepad an update I prolly won't post till after one. I talked to Tai today about what I figured out, I think it went well but man is he indecisive. Gee wonder who that puts me in mind of...maybe me?! LOL, anywayy; we talked a bit about it and I guess I'll be changing a bit for him. You know, not be so...umm...open...I guess that's a good way to put it. I just wished he knew how much it pains me to see him hiding something so stupid from people but I also know it's for the best...what with school and all.
You know somehow I am reminded of something Ben Franklin once said in Poor Richard's Almanac, "Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead". I guess that's too true in my life...but something as trivial as what I have to keep a secret...like who I love...I don't think I should have to hide that fact. Although for his sake, I will...
I also asked him a few questions, regarding why did he ask me that night five months ago and to this very moment, as I type this...he still cannot answer. That tells me one thing, he took a chance...he succeeded...he's taken more chances with me than he can ever comprehend...always succeeded. I wish he could see what I see sometimes...other times, I am glad he doesn't see what I see...because if he did...he'd be more of my most hated enemy than my most loved lil hedgehog...
I wish I knew why I answered yes that night...I mean I've always loved him this is true but why did I say yes? I too took a chance...without knowing reason...love I guess is a perfect reason...especially when it brought him into my life...I hope it is the same for him as it was...no...is...same for him as it is myself.
I once told him something that I meant word for word once...I love you more each day, meaning today I love him more than yesterday and less than tomorrow...
Let's see...to be exact here is a list of events:
promise
broke promise
argument
need to talk
arugument
and finally a stiff drink
Okay now for the long version...
Got dragged to something I didn't want to go to by Takato's girlfriend. She asked a direct question and my policy is if I can't manipulate the wording or meaning of the question I have to answer honestly and truthfully. Well she got pissed and came back to Tai's yelling at him...I couldn't stand it..yelling at my lil hedgehog over something that's been settled. I felt like a total fucking asshole at that point but oh...oh no...that ain't the end of it.
After she did that I got up and asked Takato if I could talk to him. I knew he was pissed because something was going on and he didn't know what. I finally told him...but made him promise...he knew I did it for Tai...I settled it and didn't want him to find out and look down on Tai. Well in the process Takato's girlfriend got pissed and left because she thought I was going to talk about her.
We went over there to her house to tell her exactly what was said but she wouldn't hear it. So we came back to Tai's I immeadiatly went to the garage, I asked Takato to send Tai out if he would. He never did come until after Takato and his girlfriend were out there. I was crying because I thought I'd fucked up three things, Takato and his girlfriend's relationship, my friendship with Takato and her, and finally and most importantly Tai's and my relationship.
They tried their best to say it was okay...but what I hear and what my mind says can be two very different things. I can't apologize enough for this shit...I mean...I can spend the rest of my life apologizing but it will never make amends for what I did...
I love Tai so damned much it hurts to be apart and hurts more when I do something like this. I mean I was feeling actual pain in my chest...in my heart...I felt like I'd just committed such an atrocity against my lil hedgehog, against Tai.
You know he says he don't care...but if he doesn't care...well...I guess I am blind to his forgiveness. I am blind to trust...blind to a lot of things...blind to my own heart...my soul...
You know what else? I am but two fools, one for being in love and another for saying so...
Ja mata
Yamato
Chot-to!
Yamato desu...uhh...okay I'll speak Eigo...I mean English...dammit LOL. I am shocked, for once I woke up at 7:30 in the morning on my own without anything to do today till three or four. I am currently waiting for this download to finish before I post this, cuz right now I am typing it in Notepad. Listening to Digimon music, great sounds reverberating throughout the apartment...shaking pictures. Yes this is the life.
You know I think Sora has a point...I do kinda seem to keep Ken or Tai from talking to her on a one on one level. I mean...umm...well...I am kinda always there...always playing pranks or something...yeah...guess that's over. I didn't think I did that really, I mean I always try to have fun or make them smile...I fail at that more times than I'd like to. Plus she also made another point...maybe I am around them too much...even they need their space. I highly respect them, but not enough to give them time to do their own thing I guess. BTW by them, I mean Ken and Tai...
As for my date, well...I have to postpone it as the money I was hoping to get yesterday has been delayed to Monday...dammit. I was so looking forward to a haircut and a night with Tai on the town too. No seriously that ain't sarcasm either...I really did want to go on Saturday...umm today...tonight whatever.
I shouldn't bother going to Tai's for awhile...he does need his space...I think after tonight (if I stay) I will just let him live his life. Maybe to the point to where I get a call from him asking me to come over. That would be an extreme but it may be the best for him...I don't want to seem like a bother to him...never did...*sigh* I love him so much though. Maybe I should talk with him today about it when I go over, he promised me that I could stay so in order to make him keep his promise I must at least go over even if I can't stay. I won't ever intentionally do something to make someone break their promise to me...couldn't do that.
So basically here are the changes I am going to make...no more pranks or things to avert their IM conversations, no more being there 24/7 and no more well....just no more.
Ja Mata
Ishida Yamato
PS - Domo...I mean thanks...thanks for reading...
I had one weird fucking dream...
I don't remember how it started but I remember that it seemed like I was a jew in the holocaust, in fact we had a secret room where a man with a gun came and we killed him. After that I remember going for a walk with mom, the carnival had just rolled into town so we decided to go through it. I got a job and decided to go get a bite to eat while there. When I went up to a cart, there were three people...a woman, a boy and a girl. They were excited that I'd work with them...very, there was another person behind me who was waiting to get food. I ordered my food, they handed me a glass bowl with it and said "Bring this back when you're done" and told the person behind me that it was the last bowl. I thought it weird that they'd use a glass bowl...
Next thing I remember is walking back to the carnival, after dark fell. Mom didn't like it and I wanted to know why it was so...weird. I said something about maybe it's a night carnival, you know better at night than in the day. Well from where I was standing I looked up at a grainery. I could see something walking, pacing around the platform by it's shadow on the silo wall. It was a dog, I thought that weird and more like a game style thing like Silent Hill or something but dismissed it. We then proceeded into the carnival, where I seen a sign. It had three numbers written on it...the purpose was something regarding death. I asked mom when I was born, she said...80, the worst one on the poster thing. We continued walking...there were the three from the booth walking towards us. The woman passionately kissing the boy over and over as the little girl walked behind. She was his mom, or so I thought and I ended up running and punching both of them, tearing them apart.
Then I woke up....
God damn, now I know why I hate my mom...heartless fucking whore. I walked to the store with my niece, walked home...one her friends walked with us down to my house and then we walked her back home. This is the flats afterall...I don't trust people around here especially at night.
We get back and there's mom, at the door...yelling. Get in the door...I am told to get the fuck out. Fucking whore...fuck her...hope she fucking dies and yes I do mean that. Tell me to give you my key?! WTF is wrong with you you!? It's my key! The girl lived acrossed the street! Not like we went to fucking Toledo!
Sorry...had to vent....
Let's see it's 7:25am and here I am still awake...what's wrong with this picture? Well either way I am up for at least another seven hours...at least. I don't think I will go to Tai's today, I go there every damned day...so for the next two days, or at least one...I will avoid going there. Doesn't mean I can't talk to him online now does it? Well that is if he ain't playing EverCrack.
I figured out something...I love downloading it seems...dial up or not I download some mad files. I mean 6MB - 760MB files on 56K...now that's a lot of time. I also figured out that I have no life since I do that, LOL. Another thing, I like canines...correction love them...I didn't realize that all my favorite anime characters have something to do with foxes or wolves till now.
7:56am---since I was so RUDELY INTERUPTED! >_<
I found spyware on my computer and did the old heave ho to it! I also cracked OverNet software...no more ads thank fucking god. Took about three reboots to do everything but it's done...I have a new way to get downloads and some download sites to help with that. I don't know what's worse, adverts or spyware aka PUKEware...that's what it should be called. The programmers are nothing but a bunch of teenage pukes who need to get a fucking life. They devise new ways to spy, I help SpyBOT S&D combat them...I don't like being spied on period.
10:48AM---Supreme Court Ruling...
Yeah yeah shut up, for once I actually anticipated them to do something and now I see why. It was a vote of 6-3 in favor of striking down the anti-sodomy (gay sex) laws. The grounds basically were as such, the bedroom is private...telling people what to do in their own bedroom is illegal...especially considering that it was over consensual sex between individuals. You know I heard what the reverend said on CNN about this decision, saying that it's immorality and it's wrong but who is anyone to decide what's wrong and immoral? I mean honestly, isn't the judgement left to god and judges? Who are you to say what I can do in my bedroom with my boyfriend? Who are you to say I'm wrong based off of opinion? What right do you have to say what I do is immoral or wrong when it's something consensual? Oh wait that's right you don't have that right...keep your opinions to yourself...and I'll thank you to shut my bedroom door on the way out...
Well now I know I won't see my lil hedgehog late night anymore, he's got EverCrack again. For those who don't know, EverCrack is another name for EverQuest, an online game.
To tell you how EverCrack came about as a nickname I have to tell you that some people treat it like a drug, they need a "fix" of playing EQ constantly. I mean these people actually lose sleep, don't eat, lose their jobs and one person got a divorce because her husband suffered from the addiction. They spend hours or even days playing the game, I mean literally not moving from their computers. It's that bad...
Oh and when they die or lose their account or something comes between them and their EQ...they go through the same withdrawl symptoms as crack and heroin addicts. I like the game and all and this isn't to scare you away from playing it but remember, It's Just A Game, It's Not Real
The only reason I'm worried is that well...hell I've seen the people who say, I only play it cuz it's fun and end up doing stupid shit for a fix. I mean good god...some kid actually killed himself over it because his character died in a major battle.
Well it's 4:04am right now, seeing as I am downloading I ain't going to post this till later on after I wake up from some sleep. I have a couple things to do today, go to the store and go to Tai's...yep lots to do huh? Anyways I was at Izzy's yesterday...got paid so I am happy but now I see I'm out of cigarettes...damn what's more important, Tai or smoking? Umm...Tai hands down so I will go without smoking for a day unless I can get mom to front me two bucks. I don't think I will even ask though...I may ask if she'd give me a ride to sell some things at the store but that's about it.
If I don't sell them at the store, there's a place I can sell them called eBay...which is always nice. I just think it would be a nightmare to ship them to where ever *shudders*. I watched ep 23 of Naruto not too long ago...kind of fucked up how the Hidden Sound kids can totally fuck someone up, see their movements all you want...they can still list you in the FUBAR category.
For those that don't know what FUBAR is, it's a acro devised by Izzy. It means Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition so dare I say more?
I am thinking of taking Tai out on a date, just for fun, it may be this weekend but I don't know yet where or what. I was thinking a nice quiet evening out for dinner at a restaurant other than McDonald's and maybe a movie or a stroll through the park. I know sounds corny but I think it'd be nice, you know...I mean after all I do love him.
I have to also decide what I am doing for July fourth, I want to spend it with family but I also want to be with friends and now out of the blue my lil bro Alan called and asked if I'd come down for the fourth. Decisions like these are hard to make, I mean I want to be with everyone but I don't want to intrude either. I will probably end up at home with a pack of sparklers, a pack of Marlboro's and a single Budweiser knowing my indecisiveness.
As for my friend Takato...well he kinda asked if I'd like to go to Cedar Point...okay maybe I am not too sure if he did or not but I got the impression he wanted me to go. Maybe I should have him clarify that for me...I mean did he or didn't he ask me to go...oh god my memory sucks badly. I know one thing for a fact though, I am trying to scrounge the cash to go to New York for a three day trip, maybe take Tai along and see some sights or something. It'd be something to do, wouldn't it? Well it's either that or see if Takato, Tai and Ken would like to go to Canada for a night or two out on Toronto.
That does sound fun actually...Canada that is...I mean I've only been there once or twice that I can remember and it really is a beautiful country. One thing I do remember about Canada...drinking age is 18! ROFL the most important fact I know of Canada...well other than what I learned from South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut...which is that they enjoy fart jokes and have flapping heads.
I am going to continue my download now, at least try to make it last till five or six in the morning so I can have a good chunk to continue from when I want to finish it.
Well I guess it's time for the ritual update of my blog...hmm what's new? Okay I got one for you, I stayed at Tai's (like you didn't figure that out) and well I played A LOT of Sonic Adventure 2 Battle for Gamecube...I played it till the point I got a B on the hardest level on level one.
Considering I was getting E's before that, I am pretty damned happy with myself. Besides it only took a collective of 3 and a half hours to time everything perfectly...now I am working towards an A rating on the level.
As for Waste of Space in the title, well I found a blog I particularly like...Waste of Space and I like to read it often.
Okay so I don't know why I just named the post after a song...I've been listening to it repeatedly. Anyways, got fired from Ken's board...kinda hurt cuz it was over something I knew he'd do in the same position. But what can ya do? I mean seriously?
Anyways, he's going into surgery today I think...so I hope all goes well for him. I talked to Kouichi on the phone yesterday and of course we were perverted as usual...after all what do you expect?
I am staying at Tai's today...my lil hedgehog...he's so kawaii....
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