Trim, Time and Troubles 

Trim, Time and Troubles

Well once again I am typing in Notepad...*sigh* gotta remember to do this first before starting downloads. Let's see today is the big day, I got to wake up early for a haircut and not smoke for the day. I am hoping it goes as good as I want it to, I mean I know I ain't the perfect person but for today I will try my best to be as close as possible. You know no matter what, I am going to be the best person I can be...make this the best date ever.

You know someone brought up a good point to me today too, I am very talented at hiding myself from people. I mean like what I really think and stuff like that...I guess it's been a skill finely honed since I was nine. Yeah when I was nine I figured out I was gay, but I also knew the world wouldn't accept me for that so I did a lot of covering and hiding my true emotions. I guess I do it very very very very well and for that I've fooled a lot of people. Consider for the fact that I've loved Tai for a long time...consider for the fact that I seen the movements he made last summer, I chose to ignore them because I thought I was seeing what I wanted to be true for so long and it ended up to come true later than sooner. At least it happened though...

I guess through all the years of hiding from people...I've also hid myself from...myself. That's all going to change though, in a few more years I will hide nothing no more but for the time being...I can play the game...as long as I can pause the game...I can play.

You while I am at this point in my typing I guess I can hit on my creative truths thing. You know I can sit here and tell you I am not gay and not be lying? You know I can sit here and tell you I am in Japan while I am typing this and not be lying? Well you want to know how? Listen to the wording of the following questions:

Are you gay? (their meaning...do you have homosexual tendancies?)
My response: Nope... (my creative truth meaning: no I ain't happy go lucky right now)

Where are you from? (their meaning...where do you live)
My response: Japan... (my creative truth meaning: in my heart I reside there)

Are you a smoker? (their meaning...do you smoke cigarettes?)
My response: No..I don't smoke and have never (my creative truth meaning: i've never been set on fire so my body hasn't emitted smoke)

Get it? I reword, redefine or rearrange the question in my head to come up with answer that is by all means true while at the same time dodging the true answer. I don't lie...I create truths...

12:50 am: -=shock to my system=-

I was just informed of something...I kinda knew it in my mind...I also had the same feelings awhile back too...but well...I don't know what to say other than...part of me wished I knew then but most of me is happy with my life now. It makes me wonder if I should've acted then but I mean...I am really happy now and I mean it's like...what I've always wanted to be true came true. It's not going to affect my friendship though with the person...if anything we can at least talk more about things, maybe I can find someone for them...so they can be happy as I am now...

1:39 am: -=realization...god I am weak=-

How the hell did I let people like Pete Rhinebolt drive me away from graduating? How the fuck did I let that happen!? God damn I must be a fucking weak fuck...I mean here I am, barriers and psychological limits setup to prevent myself from letting them get to me...what did I do? I let them get to me! God...what the fuck happened?! I mean seriously...well guess I will have to right that wrong...