Drowning Slowly, One Chance 

Drowning Slowly, One Chance

Dang it all to heck! I swear I don't get it anymore. I try to move on yet I can't it's like my own heart and soul will not allow me to. It's not like I will ever forget the man, it's not like I will ever stop loving him but right now I think it'd be best if maybe I tried to move on.

There's just one problem though, I can't. Every time I try to move forward and onwards I get some small reminder that opens the floodgates of my heart and memories. It all rushes in and I drown in the sorrow and pain, it's as though I am never going to be able to move on period. I don't mean to sound like I want to, that's not the case here, and I just think it may be for the best if I tried.

It seems my own love is my own downfall now; I am beginning to wonder if it will be forever that way. I know it hasn't been long, I know it's still considered recent but I mean I feel like the days are months anymore. Anytime I try to put it in the past and look ahead something, never fails either but something always brings me right back to where I am. It's as though I will never be able to move on without him, no matter what.

Hopelessly in love, I used to think that was a very good thing, now I wonder if it's also a curse to some. I mean, I love him...not going to stop or forget that, but it's killing me right now. I feel like my insides are shredding, my heart is shattering and my memories are the proverbial knife to my own heart. I don't know if this makes sense but right now I don't care, it's got to be said.

I try and try and try again but always ending up right back to where I am, suffering from my own love. It's as though without him I can't breathe or something, I swear. Maybe in some ways that is true, maybe I can't breathe as I once did, think as I once did. I can't forget him that's impossible, I can't not love him that's impossible as well but I can try to move on if he wants.

I mean isn't that what he wants? To be honest I don't know anymore, I thought I knew once but we all know how that went. I just want to talk to him, ask him what he wants, hear it from him in person, maybe then I can see what he wants. I love him, 'tis true, if it's not the same for him even in the slightest than why can I not hear it from him?

I think he loves me still, in fact some part of my soul knows it still...I don't know how or why I just kind of do. It's almost like knowing that the sun will rise tomorrow, you just know. I can't just stop, I can never stop and I can never let my love grow weak for him, it's just something that will never happen.

I probably sound stupid or something right now but that's fine...I don't give a crap. This is love we're talking about; in love one can be stupid how else do you explain so many things in love?

I tried talking to god, I prayed for the past eight days non-stop that one day I would get a phone call or a knock on the door from him. For eight days I begged that my mind may put at ease, that my heart may rest but as we all know, god can't make man do anything against their freewill. I find myself crying out to him at odd times, walking out to talk to him at night and even asking for him to just let me know why. I never get an answer but once I did get something, a slight answer to my prayers, it was the night I was online and Tai IM'ed me. I felt so ecstatic and actually went into shock slightly for the night, but then that's when the questions arose.

I won't go into details really because, well, that's a private conversation but it was hard questions, even for me. I had to face my fears, no matter the outcome and ask some things, I haven't yet really heard the answers and don't know when. He had said the day after, but no luck...no e-mail, no IM, nothing. That hurt me all the more to be honest, but as I said the pain makes my love even stronger, even in his absence.

All I want is a chance, a chance to talk one on one without fear; do I not deserve at least that? I don't want the world; I just want a chance to talk, even if it is but an hour. A single hour, I am willing to lay it all out and find answers even if they are not the ones I had hoped for, I will still take that chance just to find out.

You know some would ask, "What could you possibly accomplish in an hour?" My response would be simple, "Tell him how I felt in the beginning and tell him how I still feel now. Show how I've changed thanks to him, tell him thanks for helping with those changes. Tell him, I'm sorry for everything I've done and still wish to be with him as his boyfriend, but if he doesn't want that maybe I can still be his friend."

I know I couldn't say much in an hour, I know he may never understand some things but I can give him a pretty good idea. I know I said I would always hold out and hope for him to make the first step, maybe I was wrong in that...maybe it is I who should make that first step. I have held out all my life on things and when it finally paid off I screwed up, now I think I should make the first step in something for once. It's that important to me, so important I would risk everything for that one chance, everything in my life and maybe even my life itself just to have that opportunity.

I always knew in my heart I would risk everything for someone in one way or another, I never in a million years thought it would be for the love of my life and never in a million years thought that the love of my life would be someone I've known for years as my best friend.

Here's hoping for the best,
Matt