Never Ready, Awaiting Decision 

Never Ready, Awaiting Decision

Where have I been the past four days? I've been on a break from my own life, trying to piece together what I can and trying to summon the courage to face the decision that lies ahead.

I only meant to be away for a day, which turned into two, then three and finally four. I couldn't help it, everytime I thought I was ready, I looked at myself in the mirror and said I wasn't. Today I found something out, I will never be ready for the decision to come, weeks or months can pass and I still won't be prepared. Best thing to do, face it head on with open arms. Embrace it whether or not it's what I desire, something I've learned to do lately.

Love is an interesting thing to be honest, I can't stop loving him even though it's causing so much pain and agony right now. It hurts to be where I am and to know I have messed up and brought this upon myself in a sense but I have to face the consequences. Whether or not I desire to do so is out of the question, it's a matter of responsibility and love.

Through the changes I've made I've been able to accomplish so much yet it was through the process I messed up so much. No matter though, if it is meant to be, we can work through this and if we work through this, we can work through anything. Meant to be...sounds like destiny which in some ways I do believe in. I believe it can be changed a lot of times but somethings are unavoidable and are provoked by the simplist of actions.

In the course of four days I found I have religion in me that has always been there. I don't believe in any specific form of religion rather it's more like basic Dogma. Dogmatic law states that "It's not what you believe that matters, it's that you believe" and I've kind of taken to this. Through my life I couldn't find any religious faction I could believe in fully, but now I see I have been wrong in calling myself an athiest.

I always considered myself athiest even though all through my life I would openly talk to god and always felt something higher existed over humanity. I've come to terms with it and now consider myself a Dogmatic Christian, which I don't know if it exists or not but it does now. Basically I follow what I've always felt was right, the ten commandments and continue progressing forward with my relationship with the almighty one.

Lots of changes, yes, lots of conflicts during said changes, yes, is it worth it, yes. Finally, do I love Shane still? More today than yesterday and less today than tomorrow, unchanged from day one.

Later days,

Edit: About Updated
I got around to making a little list in the about dialog of the blog, maybe it can give you some insight into me...

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Sun Oct 16, 2005 12:52 am MST by Lakers Tickets


Wed Jul 7, 2004 4:46 pm MST by casino access

Comment I don't suppose you can just stop loving someone but sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go but try to let faith see you through

Sat Aug 2, 2003 4:56 am MST by Sora

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