|
Okay today I woke up thinking about going to Tai's for the day right? I look out the window to see a storm brewing so I decided to wait awhile. Well that was about one this afternoon and I think it has stopped...it's eight seventeen now...
Anyways, the storm kinda made me paranoid about getting online so I went to play my Dreamcast. Well god knows I have the character and shit on it so it was an easy play game but I have to unlock the damned ruins. It's driving me insane! I activated all the towers and defeated the boss so many times it ain't funny but yet I can't get to the ruins.
Also it's during the game that my mag decides to be a bitch and stop defending me. I forgot to keep feeding it >_< so now I gotta work him back up to max and unlock the ruins some other time.
Storms...Mags...they all suck...
It was in a car ride when I told my sister about me. She could careless and loves me all the same so it's cool. I even told her who my boyfriend was because well...she kinda deserved to know I was dating someone I loved alot and wasn't in an abusive relationship.
Hell she told me my mom has been with a woman and wanted to get into Angie's pants! I was like "OMG I knew it!" LOL
Anyways she's about the only one in my family who knows and knows from me directly and the only one who I really wanted to tell.
Before I explain the title of the post let's dive into yesterday a bit shall we? Well of course we will cuz I said so damned it! LOL
Yesterday I went to Ken's for Tuesday Ritual like usual and for once not a single person dueled until after I left. I spent time with Tai and what shocked me was he was more open than ever towards me. I mean, I know he loves me and all but he caught me offguard. LOL, normally he wouldn't of shown affections like that in front of anyone but damn if I am going to complain. It was awesome...
Now to today, I woke up at six thirty this morning and played some PSO with my crew. Got off at seven and waited on mom to get her ass in gear to go see my nephew. God three hour drive both ways and it was boring as fucking hell! I am tired but not tired enough to go to sleep if that makes sense.
I am waiting on my sister to come get me or call or something so I can go earn me some cash or smokes. Which ever I need first. Mom owes me five cuz I didn't ask for food on the way back so I better remember to get that off her. I'd like to buy someone something for the heck of it...
Anyways, there's your explanation you monkey fuck...I know you prolly skipped the rest of the post just to figure out why I titled it the way I did...
Day two of having no cigarettes...
I hate having to bum smokes off my boyfriend and Ken, it makes me feel so...poor. I mean well...I know I ain't the richest person in town but when it comes to me bumming stuff, boy does it show me that I am poor as hell. I mean here I am 18 years old no money, no job and practically no life of my own.
Well anyways, on Sunday my friend Takato graduated from high school which is more than I can say for myself. What the fuck was I doing listening to people? "Drop out" they said, "You have so much more potential" they told me. Yeah well where are they now? It makes me even more mad to know I listened to them in the first god damn place. Even Chris Smith graduated for christ's sake! He was the stoner, beer drinking dumbfuck of the class! Now I see I am the dumbfuck...
After that I went to Takato's grad party which was awesome, I ended up asleep on the floor for some reason though. Could be the 20 minutes of sleep I had gotten from Saturday to Sunday maybe? Nah...
On Monday...went to Tai's for the day and was with him and Ken for the day. I don't know why but I talked like a fucking dumbass once again...maybe cigarettes are my intelligence factor? With cigarettes I ain't a total dumbass but without them I am too busy pining for them to act like someone worth listening to.
Anyways, I gotta think quick before four...how to get smokes. I don't want to beg again for one...I don't like it and don't want to do it...but I know I will if I can't think of anything else. In other words, when I ask for help on something...means I am fucked everywhere else.
Today I went to Tai's because he asked me to, OMG am I glad I did. After the argument with mom it was good to see a face that I love so much and who loves me too.
What made today so awesome you ask? Well it has to be that walk to the drive-thru. On the way there we talked and laughed more than I think I have ever done before. I mean I do laugh and talk with him but today it was on a level unmatched by any other time. On the way home from the drive-thru I kept laughing and joking and well having fun in general. I think he realized something was different and I kinda think he liked how I interacted more.
When I got back to his house I kinda started to pass out from lack of sleep. It was in the computer room on two chair where I first fell asleep, but I have to admit that was awesome too. Why? Cuz he was there with me, working on the computer. When I woke up he'd left to do something so I went back to his bed and kinda fell asleep.
I had a great dream of me and him, we were happy together and just doing something. We were walking together holding hands, nothing was said but it was just the emotional aura that I got from him in the dream that made it worth it. He and I were both smiling, walking down a beach (I think it was) and it was about sunset. It was great.
I woke up then went back to sleep after a smoke outside with him and Ashley. Which by the way was great conversation out there, more laughing. When I came back in I think I went back to sleep. This time when I woke up, it was by him, I don't know what it was but something was in his eyes that made me want to stare at them forever. Quickly I kissed him and of course got kissed in return (I'd hope that's how it was LOL) and got up.
Time to leave he said and with that I got myself gathered up and had Takato give me a lift home. You know I love Tai more than anything and I hope today is like yesterday, great...
Today I just got my real first glimpse into two people that I care about very much. One being Tai and the other, Ken. Now as far as Tai goes, I know he's scared that people will find out and stuff like that but I think he needs to know that it's okay. I mean Ken knows and has no problem with it yet Tai seems to have the problem with the relationship. If he loves me like he says then why don't he say it or show it without regard of who's in the room. I mean honestly I wouldn't mind being told I love you or being kissed with people around, it would only serve to strengthen our love.
As for Ken...oh boy am I pissed at him right now. I mean I don't know what's going on with him but I am getting the cold shoulder any more. Especially from Tai when Ken's around which is making me paranoid more than ever. To top it off yesterday I know Tai knew something was wrong but he didn't bother to get ask me...was it that Ken and people were there? I don't know...but if it was does that not show how little I must truly mean to him?
Tai and Ken...I love them both and care deeply for them both especially Tai but unless things change and they stop telling me it's in my head...I ain't going to be around for it.
My dreams are getting weirder and weirder I tell you, for some reason I dreamt of my sister's exhusband. I hate him with a passion for the simple fact he fucked with my nephews. It was all over programming a new TV too and cleaning for some reason, god never again will I clean.
The second dream I remember is weirder...it's about my big brother's wife. She was driving me out to their place and fast. Very very fast. We were heading straight for a turn right a sharp left and I said something like "don't forget you have to turn here". We took the turn at well over 80 and there was rocks everywhere in the road. They just appeared and we hit them but didn't stop. A van and car appeared and we cut the car off and that's about the time I woke up.
Fuck these dreams are weird lately. I ain't even gonna try to figure out what the hell they mean!
Okay here's my new private blog...don't rightly care if someone reads it but hey it's where I can tell what I am really thinking and not censor or edit myself...
Let's start with today...shall we? Well okay...LOL
Today I was at my boyfriend's house playing Yugioh and stuff but something was on my mind all day. Something is different between him and I, it's almost like I am becoming second in his life and no longer important to him.
I love him with all my heart but I can't shake this feeling. I mean I had to practically corner him to get a good night kiss which is something that I shouldn't have to do, of course he won't tell me what's going on. He don't want to hurt me but damn...you know I kinda need to know if he ain't happy. I wish he would tell me...I really do.
|